Vixely answers your most intimate, personal questions in our interactive iPad Magazine now available for free in iTunes Newsstand. In our latest Second Isssue, “Endless Summer of Love,” learn from the Vixely team of experts and peers, our sex and relationship expert, Dr. Logan Levkoff, and our resident Vixely guy for candid advice that is relevant to your life. Ask questions on sex, dating, relationships, health and more directly within the app, and get answers you trust when you need them. You can also search the iPad Magazine or use our interactive index tab to find the answers you need quickly, and take notes while you read.
This issue, the Vixely team, Dr. Logan Levkoff and our resident Vixely guy each answer three reader questions. See below for Vixely’s response to two such queries, and download Vixely’s iPad Magazine Second Issue now to get all the ingredients for a sexy life.
I think I am in love with my best guy friend. What should I do?
We at Vixely totally understand adoring your best guy friend. This is the guy who is fun to be around and makes you feel at ease with yourself, and with whom you share a natural chemistry. While the movie When Harry Met Sally (yes, the fantastic ‘80s rom-com) famously coined the line “men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way,” many women and men share a distinct closeness and deep friendship who are not “dating.” Given the attraction, eventually, the question of whether you should date understandably comes up.
The first thing to consider is whether or not you’re sexually attracted to your guy friend, and to be honest with yourself as to whether or not he may be sexually attracted to you. To find out how he feels, we recommend simply asking him, “Would you ever want to be more than friends with me?” If he’s not sure, we recommend abandoning the fantasy of a serious relationship and focusing on your friendship.
Second, consider the advice of longtime relationship expert Dr. Pepper Schwartz, who wrote in her book Everything You Know About Love and Sex is Wrong that we should not seek to make a “love relationship” a direct image of a “platonic relationship.” A strong love relationship, she argues, should have sexual passion, and with that all of the “jealousies, insecurities and desires” that come with sex and that can make a love relationship so intense. Dependency in a love relationship is also key, she says, and when potential futures are linked, the hopes and the responsibilities come very high.
See how all that fun-loving, non-judgmental behavior with your guy friend doesn’t apply to what you’ll likely need in a serious relationship? What you have with your guy friend is actually sacred, and to seek more than that could change the dynamic completely. Remember what makes platonic relationships so wonderful and important in the first place—they’re not as complicated.
I prefer having slower sex, while he always speeds it up! How do I get him to understand what I want?
Guys want to please you in bed, they really do. But quite often, they’re absolutely clueless about how to do so. Don’t be afraid to let him know what you like. Showing him, rather than telling, is typically the best way to go. Next time you’re in bed, take control by getting on top of him to set the speed, all the while making sure to give him feedback on how great the speed is, saying things like, “It feels so good when we go slow, baby.” Encourage him when something feels good, and if things aren’t feeling so hot, gently slow him down or grab his hand and place it where you want him to touch you. He will get the hint and be excited that he knows how to turn you on. Moans, deep breathing and clenching your hands on him are usually more powerful than a lecture, but if he still isn’t getting it, just lay it out there: “Babe, I like it slow.” He wants to satisfy you, and you’re both on the same side, so you just have to make it about “what you like” versus “what he’s doing wrong.”