If Dating Was As Easy As Getting A Job

Dating can be a lot like interviewing for a job. After a preliminary background check, you establish an introduction and subsequently arrange a meeting if both parties wish to proceed, during which you summarize your previous experience. In the world of dating, submitting a cover letter summarizing yourself and a resume of your relationship history for expediency certainly would save two long dinner dates of explanation. In her post “If Dating Was As Easy As Getting A Job,”  DoITouchIt.com offers her bio to prospective male suitors.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

It has recently come to my attention that you are currently meeting to fill the position of Girlfriend, and I would like to submit my resume for consideration. I truly believe that I can bring a level of spunk and tenacity to the position that may not have existed with any women you may have previously employed. I spend more time watching Sportscenter than I do Sex and the City, I rarely mood swing anytime in the month, and if we were to get married, I would put out five nights a week, and twice a day on weekends.

You may be wondering about the five year gap in my work experience between my last relationship and now – I’ve been spending those years working on a variety of internships that have allowed me to gain a strong working knowledge of relationships, my own sense of self, and a variety of sexual positions (three, to be exact).

I would love to meet you for an interview over dinner or drinks at your earliest convenience (please do get the tab, we all know that if I’m reaching for my wallet when the check comes, I’m not actually picking it up, I’m just finger banging my purse). My resume is attached below, and I’m happy to provide a list of references. I look forward to hearing from you!

All best,

DoITouchIt.com

DO I TOUCH IT’S C.V. (Curriculum Vaginae)

Work Experience (a.k.a. Real Relationships)

Long Distance College Boyfriend (June 2006 – March 2007)
Tasks Assigned:

• Attempt serious relationship, fail miserably

Skills Learned:

• How to take virginity of a 19 y/o male and proceed to throw up immediately after

Reason for Leaving:

• Egregious overuse of ‘LOL’

First College Boyfriend (August 2005 – October 2005)
Tasks Assigned:

• Everything above the belt plus roaming hands

Skills Learned:

• Recognizing obvious flirtation by FCB with his previous crush (now soon-to-be fiancée); repressing said flirtation

Reason for Leaving:

• Unceremoniously dumped after accusing FCB of cheating and leading him on 5 block drunken chase through streets of college town

Requisite Black Boyfriend (Obama Black) (September 2003 – April 2004)
Tasks Assigned:

• Lose virginity, along with dignity, self-confidence, faith in men

Skills Learned:

Internships (a.k.a. F*ck Buddies, One Night Stands, Guys Who Refused to Make it Facebook Official)

Hollywood Douche (ongoing)
Tasks Assigned:

• Booty calls with zero emotional attachment (him, not me)

Skills Learned:

• How to suppress all feelings and relationship desires for the promise of subpar sex at six week intervals

Reason for (not) Leaving:

• Free lube and Twix bars

Rekindling Relationship with LDCB (November 2011)
Tasks Assigned:

• Get it right the second time around without all the cheating and sexual shame

Skills Learned:

• How to exaggerate my life to sound 100x better than his

Reason for Leaving:

• Still egregiously overuses ‘LOL’; might be a terrorist (unlikely) or future serial killer (highly likely)

The American Psycho (August 2010)
Tasks Assigned:

• Vacation sex with a Patrick Bateman lookalike

Skills Learned:

• How to give a BJ while simultaneously reading the Wall Street Journal

Reason for Leaving:

• Sex on a pull out couch is not how you envision your life going at the age of 23

The Shorty Fatty (one night in March 2009)
Tasks Assigned:

• Try to turn a Vegas one night stand in the Hangover suite into a relationship

Skills Learned:

• How to tuck and roll, military style, out of a hotel room, heels tucked into Spanx

Reason for Leaving:

• Despite his Harvard degree, there was no future with someone wider than they are tall

Young Comedian (May 2008 – March 2009)
Tasks Assigned:

• Help further his fledgling career at no personal or professional gain to self

Skills Learned:

• How not to ask if attending his shows and sleeping over 4 nights a week would ever translate into a real relationship

Reason for Leaving:

• Egregious overuse of the word ‘boo’ by a white person, without ever actually being his ‘boo’

Skills & Talents: Mac proficient, Windows & Microsoft Office proficient, blowjob proficient

Interests: Moderately attractive Jews, men with self-destructive qualities, Twix bars