Maybe he’s a big deal and important, maybe he just thinks he is—you know, like Ron Burgundy. (Vixely has a long list of the names of real men that fit the bill, but we’ll keep those to ourselves.) If he acts like he’s more important than you and exhibits the following self-obsessed traits, then either tell him to snap out of it or bid him (and his narcissistic love affair) adieu…
1. He doesn’t remember the important things you say
On your first date, it somehow comes up that your grandfather was an astronaut. On date two, you reference this gem, and it’s as though he literally has never heard of outer space. If you feel like a broken record talking to your guy on dates, repeatedly talking about the same topics, his mind might be elsewhere and, let’s be honest, it’s probably not on you. While this doesn’t mean that he needs to be furiously scribbling important facts about you on a legal tablet, active listening and a functioning memory are expected attributes in guys under the age of 75.
2. He thinks he knows everything about you
This guy might use lines like “What I think you’re trying to say is…” because he’s so inside your head, he can basically speak for you! This Judgey McJudgerson will think he has you figured out simply based on how you look and snap judgments, as opposed to taking the time to learn about who you really are. Most likely, he’s probably just seeing the you he wants to see. If he thinks he’s got you all figured out, he’s either a mystical sage (Could you possibly be dating Tim Ferriss?) or just a guy with an ego that’s the size of Texas.
3. He has “mirror sex” with you
It’s like there’s an imaginary mirror behind you when he’s on top and there’s that million miles away look in his glazed-over stare. Sure, guys may go into this zoned-out state when they’re lost in the heat of it all, but there’s a distinct feeling when a guy is blatantly “fucking” you rather than trying to connect (hence why we love Nicole Daedone‘s new book, Slow Sex). Kosher (maybe) for a one-night stand; totally unacceptable for the guy you just spent three hours with at dinner—repeating yourself from your previous date.
4. He can’t be made fun of
We’re not talking about the guy who’s not smart enough to understand your jokes (in which case, please see our How to Tell If a Guy is a Complete Idiot). We’re talking about the guy who reverts into a grumpy baby or (worse) stubborn asshole mode when you poke fun at him. He considers laughing at himself a sign of weakness, not humility or a good sense of humor. Try teasing this guy about his mirror sex face? Nope!
5. He is constantly “treating” himself
This guy drives a flashy car, spends two hours every morning at the gym and comes sauntering into work with the face of his Rolex still misting from his schvitz in the sauna. He dresses impeccably, his personal grooming is flawless, he has a masseuse who dabbles in waxing his eyebrows. Do you need something? He’ll get his assistant right on it—and will undoubtedly brag endlessly about his generosity toward women. Other major “treat” this guy enjoys? Strippers and blow. Mark our words.
6. He uses social media as a soap box
Ah yes, there’s nothing quite like signing into Facebook or Twitter and seeing a paragraph soliloquy or stream of Tweets by your guy musing on the state of the economy, patting himself on the back for his most recent accomplishment or philosophizing on how to live a life of purpose. Sometimes these contemplations are welcome if they’re a break from the normal status update, if there’s something timely for him to express or if he can keep it short and sweet, but not if he’s consistently overwhelming his available media platforms with his own words of wisdom and “talents.” Our words of wisdom? Dude, get a blog.